My Number One Piece of Marriage Advice: 

It’s About US!

If there is one thing I could tell every young couple in love or every married couple struggling to keep love strong, it would be this – find a way to make your marriage about US, not you and me.  It’s about US! That is to say, everyone else no longer makes the difference. You should be marrying your best friend, the one who will know you best. The one who loves you best, has your back, encourages you, cries with you, and seeks your advice before anyone else’s. These are words that many of us have written into our wedding vows or repeat from the minister’s prepared remarks however find it difficult to completely absorb and put into practice.

“The difference between the idea of US

versus the idea of you and me

is a vast chasm.”

It is not simply a grammatical turn of phrase. It is a distinct emphasis on the union of two separate people into one completeness. Our desire for our previous two posts 15 Ways to show Respect to your Husband and 15 Ways to show Love to your Wife and the ensuing impactful postings was to provide practical guides toward re-igniting one another’s concentration on our mates. Today’s advice, it’s about US, is the key that brings into focus those ideas.

In the middle of the early days of marital bliss, we sometimes lose sight of one of the most essential elements to lasting marriage success, often under pressure from outside the union. As our relationship grows, so should the dimmer switch on other relationships in our lives. We are binding ourselves to one another. We should be forsaking all others. We need to look to each other for love and courage. This is not to be taken for absolving you of any responsibilities towards your parents or forgetting other beloved family members or even longstanding friendships; however these should be secondary from this moment forward. You made the decision to spend your life with this person, to share your time, your money, your strength, and your home. The two of you should together set the priorities for your marriage, and in so doing, love will help you decide those priorities. It may be that your wife’s mother needs extra attention from you or your husband’s grandfather will need a place to live. In each of your respective lives, there will be important roles to maintain but those should be decided together not independently. If there are particularly close or heavy relationships prior to the wedding on one side or the other, these should be discussed openly and at length in advance of the marriage. If those types of relationships have formed or are forming after some time has passed in your marriage, it is important to revisit your vows and to re-focus on the strength of unity between you and your partner. Think of it this way : you and your spouse are literally standing back to back with your arms or hands linked and no light or space is visible between the two of you. You should be on constant watch for any detail large or small that challenges the strength of your love.

I have personally found it difficult to understand those whose marriages involve exclusion of their spouses in the events of their lives. They go their separate ways to family gatherings, public events, hobbies and you name it. Remember, it’s about US! Personally, I want to be in the company of my wife. I chose her, and she chose me. I enjoy spending time with her in many of my activities, sharing my successes and also my failures. I want her to know me fully. She inspires me as I should be inspiring to her. Where is there room in the relationship of US for what I want to do? Emphasize instead what your spouse wants to do. Then decide together what is acceptable to both of you.

Now don’t mistake this discussion for losing your identity. US is a new identity shaped by what you and your partner bring to the marriage. Two bound together are much stronger than one independently forging through this world, making his own way. I am not advocating losing yourself in favor of becoming something else. Nor am I suggesting that two individuals swearing love to each other will immediately share everything in common. (In fact, there may be some things in which your partner will never share the same level of interest.) What I am advocating is bringing all of who you are to the marriage and merging your person with the person of your spouse.

“United means both of you working together with your talents, your interests, and your dreams intertwined.” 

In this way, even your passions that have limited expression in your spouse can still be shared by their interest in and love for you. Some examples of this might be carrying her sound equipment to a gig for her or organizing his music files on his laptop for him. Another example might be camping together on a hunting trip where one of you don’t like to hunt. Or, attending a concert for a group which your spouse enjoys but with which you may not be familiar. Get the picture? It’s about US not you and me.

While this is an idea that is a strong building block for young couples in the beginning of their life together, it can be strategically useful to marriages where some time has passed. Indeed, the seminal moment came to me in the eleventh year of my own marriage. I had often thought about my wife in the you and me context, but one day, in a moment of contemplation on life and its idiosyncrasies, I came to the realization that there was too much me and not enough us. She was my teammate and my lover. She had my back, and gave me the support that I needed with grace for my shortcomings. She gave me room to be and loved me anyway. From that moment, my perspective altered and I believe my marriage has been stronger as a result. There was more focus from me on what she was doing for our family and being for her husband. I put more of my pride down in order to lift some of the burden off of her shoulders. And I do so regularly and willingly. I am still me. I still have the same thoughts and internal discussions, but I tame them in order to show love and respect to my wonderful partner who wanders with me in my foolishness while helping to keep our family steady. And, as I mentioned above, she does this with grace.

This is what I hope for you as you meet every stage of your life together – a fiery passion that grows into deep abiding love for each other. Don’t lose sight of this, and you will have a strong and vibrant marriage.

Remember, it’s about US!

That’s one step further down the road,

Jack